It’s the middle of the night and I’m writing again

Living life as if just around the corner there’s an end

To this struggle that I’ve had since I was a wee little tot

The problem is I didn’t have to give it any thought

My feeling body shut down so I was completely numb

And I convinced myself along the way that I must’ve been dumb

But the opposite was true and I just couldn’t see

All of the gifts that I had if I could only be me

Well isn’t it funny that now I’m back in that place

In that safe, familiar, and seemingly rotten space

Of trying to numb because now my feelers are on

And for two+ years the wall of protection’s been gone

So now I’m just hurting but also unwilling to listen

And I’m sure that the lesson is to love myself without condition

But my patience is wearing and my desire to arrive

At a place that my ego keeps trying to contrive

Is blowing up bigger than I feel I can stand

My ego is taking over and has become something grand

It’s laughing in my face while it continues to resist

I get the ball rolling and its clinging just persists

I fall flat on my face and when I look up I see

People laughing and staring at this oblivious me

Who doesn’t know which way to go or how to overcome

I’m afraid if I don’t get it someone will call this game done

So I spin my wheels everyday wondering how can I “win”

But I can’t even fucking find the willingness to begin

It’s like the answers are staring me right in the face

Still I brush them aside and on my forehead write, “disgrace”

Because everyone around me knows it’s a matter of choice

When I open my mouth to tell ego it cuts off my voice

I’m tired of the fact that I keep myself here

In pain, suffering, waiting for willingness to appear

I’m equally as tired of hearing myself bitch

As I victimize myself when to the poor I seem rich

I wish I could just sit without the feud inside

That’s what the drugs and the food are trying to provide

But shit doesn’t work so you’d think I’d just stop

‘Cause when the voices start back up again the place-marker drops