You think I don’t know? You’re wrong.
I can sense you’ve taken advantage of my song.
It’s a gift. Not meant to create rifts.
Thank you for monitoring while my soul floats adrift, in this game of life.
It’s a sea.
Choose to believe, each other.
Do the right thing, use your True intentions;
Be specific when deciding what kinds of things you’d like to mention.
Do you align, and do all of your parts seem to be in order?
Have you taken a look around in your personal, individual quarters-
Before you started dipping all of your hands in others’ arenas?
When you create, in your mind, do you also see hyenas?
Please reconsider, please take a look at your own dial,
Consider how you’ll act when and if presented in a court of trial.
I’m finding it hard to get up off the ground
You’d wonder why I stay lost to get found
Too many things going on in my mind
Covering my eyes to declare that I’m blind
What will make you want to take that crucial turn
To put out the icicles that continue to burn
No sense is made in this place where you are
You’ll look very close but appear very far
It’s an endless glass from which you drink all your thoughts
Don’t be deduced by it being labeled store-bought
Let go of your pride, it’s a thorn in your side
Until then it’s by It that you will have to abide
Get cozy in your sludge and the icky-yucky mess
Why do we keep on having to digress
What is this anger that won’t move on through
I want to slough on spirituality, smoke a joint and subdue
Even when my mind’s off, I don’t feel very good
Wishing that I won’t all whilst wishing that I could
I’ll do myself a favor and admit it’s understood
That there’s powerlessness underneath this old and painted hood
We can see you running around
And it’s clear to us that you can’t
There’s this giant thing hovering over us
Watching us like we’re ants
Is it is him, is it her, or is it them
Please tell me who pays attention
And to whom do we give all the credit
When we think of a brand new invention
You see there are many parts
Things both inside and out
All things involved are affected
Causing other things to come about
So when your gear is in drive
Please try to pay close attention
Not just to the direction you’re going
But also to the things that you mention
Listen up, Captain, we’re gonna turn this ship around
As long as I’m in charge, no fucking way we are going down
We’ve got to find the light, it’s tucked way deep down inside
When you start to see it, you may want to run and hide
But let me tell you something, you don’t need to be afraid
All the things you’ll face in life are things that your God made
So keep your eyes open, be curious about what you see
Remember, it’s okay if you don’t know what those things MEAN
Your job is just to make sure that you deliver the message
Because you just never know who that message you give blesses
This is gonna be a new one, so please pull up a seat
Pay close attention to this, you won’t want to miss a beat
We need to discuss a little-big thing, I’ll go ahead and call it “rage”
It’s the kind of feeling that may come-up if someone tried stuffing you into a cage
And I don’t mean in the figurative sense like being “put into a box”
I mean feelings in a human body that make you feel stronger than an ox
Don’t jump to any conclusions, this feeling isn’t quite “good”
It will make you do things in your life that I’m not sure you typically would
Your face gets hot and things get blurry, you may even feel quite faint
You’ll want to take the brightest red and with it the town you’ll want to paint
But be careful with these feelings, they can become intense
You may even get to a place where you’re not making a whole lot of sense
So when you get to that place, be sure to go inside
Find that little girl in you, she’s scared and she wants to hide
She needs your reassurance and your everlasting love
And if you can’t muster it up, well then get it from Up Above
But the last thing you want is for her to feel like you don’t really care
You’ll have to make some space in your life, a little space for her to share
Once she knows her value, everything will calm down
She’s standing up on both feet now and no longer thinks she’ll drown
The next part of this story, will be learning how to swim
It won’t come naturally at all, it won’t happen on a whim
It will take a lot practice, and maybe some uncomfortable growth
But trust when you look at your track record that there are lots of things that you know
Not all, come on now, humanity is a real big hurdle
Don’t try to play the freaking hare, be satisfied with being a goddam turtle
Please let me see your abandonment wound
How far does it go, way back to the womb
Have you been tossed around like a Raggedy Ann
And have you ever found the the full strength to stand
Or does it always feel like you fall short at the line
When you go to seek, do you struggle to find
The next step in life, like its path is blank
Finding it hard to tell the difference between Adam and Frank
It all goes back to the opinions on-hand
Everyone seems to have devised their own plan
To my life’s next steps, it seems to be a lot
I love these people, so why do I feel distraught
Can I release this nagging and constant noise
Can I give the existing darkness its voice
And if I do, what will it say
Will it ask me to go or to stay
Can I let them be, the dark and the light
Or will I fall farther into feelings of contrite
Will I dig into my depths for the secret answer
Will I remember that darkness can also be a dancer
The shadow in life, its a part of the walk
But make sure that you watch your mouth when you talk
Especially when people show up to help
Just ignore when their heavy hands leave welts
It’s not personal, it’s just that they can see your pain
And they want you to experience all of life’s gains
Not all will speak your language, and that’s okay
Just watch for the ones who are CONSISTENT and STAY
Ignore ALL of the ones who make fun of you
The ones who think trauma-triggering is cute
Don’t be apologetic when your insides are screaming
Be extra careful when you start to think of teaming-
Up with folks who have “your” best interest at heart
Who draw the line down and point with certainty at Start
Only you can know, but please keep yourself open
The Light creeps in right where you think you are broken
You’re not broken
You’re healing.
You’re not weak
You’re dealing.
Have you ever been in that very strange place
Where someone asks you to please run at their pace
Where you were told how to act and how to behave
Told how to eat your food and which ones not to crave
It’s such a weird space that we occupy here
Where machines are built [this] way and for [so many] years
Some won’t want you original, a threat to their norm
When you say “this is it,” it may stir up a storm
All over another’s idea of how I should speak my truth
Well, you must not’ve heard about the history of ab.use
You see, its roots are responsible for tendering this fire
Fueled by grit, strength, and a depth of desire
To prepare myself enough to guide the ones who come
Like, what if they show up asking me, “what can be done?” !!!!
Because my answers won’t come from that lost inner kid
Who just said what they were told and did what others did
It’ll come from this adult who carefully constructed a foundation
With God, the right tools, and people-filled love stations
The things that charge and guide me when my light starts to dim
When the path turns dark and the window of sight becomes slim
Because when those storms come, I want my house to be ready
I don’t want to flood with fear and then question if it’s steady
I want to stand on tended ground with a confidence within
That will hold firm when the storms come bringing the winds
When the forecast is changing and its predictions are grim
It’ll be the place that we find ourselves after life fills with Him
If there’s one thing that I know, He weathers those storms
He’s got this super duper, invisible, magical platform
That underlies all that we do if we just follow His ways
You’ll be able to see the light even when the skies appear grey
And it won’t be perfect, don’t forget, that’s already been covered
He gave His own life so that we don’t have to suffer !!!
Can you even believe it!?? It actually really does take quite a while
But you’ve made it through in your own, individual, and unique kind of style 😝
How do you get when it hits you in the face
When someone decides they’re gonna try t’put you in your place
With words, a firm look, or by creating some space
Is it hard not to feel like you’ve suddenly been replaced
With an idea, a phrase, or a fresh set of eyes
Is it a view that you will accept or go on to despise
Will you take it in to settle and weigh its future lesson
Or will you let it push you to a state of surprise-yourself aggression
Well don’t dismiss it when you get a really hard shot to your gut
When a blow hits you hard and there’s nothing in it to rebut
Because it may knock you loose from the stand that you’re on
You may get to see, as an adult, the natural instinct to fawn
But challenge yourself and be okay with things moving around
Even if that movement is in the direction of down
From being too high where you can’t see all of the views
A perspective that might actually make you feel lighter and new
So use judgment, take time, think through every step
Because that approach hasn’t failed you, not quite, not yet
It’s important that you learn to sit at every level
Where you’ll feel torn and tattered, confused and disheveled
Because then you’ll get to see, there are different points of view
You can sit with these and those, all are parts of your crew
It’s humanity, you nut, but you’ve known all along
Don’t dismiss the tune, when sung, of someone else’s song
Have you ever heard of a thing out there called keeping the status quo?
Making things appear to all those near that everything’s entire(ly) UNDER-control
Well I’ll tell you now, it’s a bag of dicks ‘n’ tricks, often of the worst kind
Just to stare at the turmoiled state of affairs while exclaiming! 🔥 oh, but I’m blind 😎
One may even consider sacrificing their integrity just to keep from “rocking the boat”
We may do anything it takes to keep everything nice, to keep things in-tact and afloat
We may have to ask, “please hold this wheel, or it might take a big-ass turn”
Driven by all of our fears and all the anxieties that started to swarm and churn
“Hold on tight. We might lose our balance, someone could fall over-board”
So most of the people began grabbing and clinging, a visceral, unique type of hoard
But did anyone pay any attention to the shy little girl that clearly seems to be
A quiet passenger on the boat, but that also appears lost at sea
She’s sitting on the edge, holding on tightly to the spotless and cold railing
She says to the others, weathered in covers, I’d rather have a boat that goes sailing
Because at least on that boat, it’s true to itself, and to the powers that BE
When Mother Nature takes hold, passengers get bold, and finally I experience “me”
Because she’s not just the girl that stands on the world to feel concrete under her feet
She’d rather set sail on an adventure that entails some experiences she defines neat
It may not be popular, it may not be pretty, but at least it won’t end in defeat
She’ll keep sailing along, singing her songs, focusing on her true needs
I spent most of my life having faith in all of them
Most of them I considered trusted family or friends
Were their intentions good, did they have a firm grasp
Of the ideas they projected upon which I clasped
Or did I get confused when others tried to impress
Their ideas onto me if their minds were hard-set
Well now I’ve arrived at the part where I begin
I’ll no longer allow my head to fall or to spin
I can listen to their words but still make up my mind
About who I am, it’s not by them I’m defined
So as I keep going, I will do what I need
I’ll keep the ones close who’ll help me succeed
In understanding my Self, my morals and values
Please present your steady attention, shall you?
I believe that everything here happens for a reason
That people are there for a lifetime, a reason, or a season
That when we feel doubt, we need to amp up our faith
And remember that in His eyes we’re not a disgrace
There may be some heavy things that come up for air
They need lots of love, we can’t fall into despair
We trust that if we’re suffering we must’ve been gifted
With this task of healing, we’ve never really drifted
Far from the places that we must stand tall
Always ready for a serve, a spike, and a fall
For all of us here these paths have been chosen
And any pot in which we’re planted we must grow in
It could be weeks or years, maybe even decades
We can survive mental health, break-ups, and plagues
The trick is to believe that anything is possible
Yes we could focus instead on the probable
But life is guaranteed to throw you some curves
You’ll try to jump, to dodge and then swerve
But most of the big stuff, it was written in the stars
So no matter where you go be sure to stand for who You Are
You were flung up real high and then taken down low
A serious breakthrough occurred, don’t you know
You felt it in your body, it shot up and down your spine
Intense shaking and sweating, you started to unwind
The energy was overwhelming, as it can often be
But when you came out of it found that you could clearly see
There was no more uneasiness, no more masking heavy doubt
You suddenly knew what you needed and couldn’t live without
What you’ve come to see is that it’s all part of the plan
God had to take you up and down to teach you how to stand
I know it can be very scary, you saw an awful lot of things
But please reflect on how much clarity those sights and images bring
There was a little baby, wrapped quietly on a table
In front of a window with a cross, the sight appeared quite stable
But what you didn’t know is what the image helps portray
A symbol of the One who knows you and who always stays
So even when you think you’re alone and that no one really cares
Remember the love of the One who made you never can compare
So pick your head up, open your eyes, and continue seeing clearly
There’s a ways to go in this life, so tread light and hold it dearly
No one can save you, you have to save your self
You have to fix your life, your perspectives, your health
If you don’t, unfortunately, neither can “they”
No matter who comes, who goes, or who stays
See this is adulthood… it can really be hard
You’ll wade through your karma, your past, its shards
You’ll blame other people, then look in the mirror
Your sight, if you work at it, will keep getting clearer
You’ll see them and they, she and then he
Then one day you’ll wake up and be shocked to see “me”
Now this is the part where you’ll want to give up
Because some of your decisions, when examined, they’re rough
You’ve been selfish and self-centered, you’ve blamed and shamed
You’ve labeled others’ demons, you’ve called them names
This started in childhood, when the chaos was rampant
You didn’t know when it was coming ‘cause you didn’t plan it
When the big people flailed, you had to learn to tell
Will this end in glory, or will I wind up in hell
Do I need to play it soft, sweet, and kind
Or do I need to “put up my dukes” and defend from a bind
But I’ll tell you something sweet, much sweeter than this
Life will give you good stuff you won’t want to miss
You’ll find love and friends, adopted sibs and parents
You’ll go on trips, tours…fulfill God-given errands
And yours are for you, so please don’t compare
We’re all of God’s children, special and rare
Stay present for your life, its gifts and struggles
When a fight comes up, show ‘em your knuckles
But when it gives you beauty, try to just rest
You can be totally relaxed and still be your best
As a matter of fact, God wants you to know
You’ve gotta take a break from lugging baggage in-tow
Thank you for deciding to try to be responsible
Just wait until you see what it can all make possible
Sit still, with your hands in your fucking pockets
Even if your body ‘n’ mind feel like fucking rockets
I’m sorry that I don’t know how to let go
It’s like the answers are in front of me, but I don’t want to know
It’s easier to pretend that something is when it isn’t
Wipe your eyes child, I thought you had 20/20 vision ?
….See, YOU(R) awareness is attached to YOU(R) experience…
And yes, about it, you tend to be very serious
But you have to remind yourself where YOU-ARE
And you can’t forget, others from afar
It takes consideration, and yes this is new
And you’ll have to work at lessening the amount you subdue
Your feelings and experiences, they’re all part of it
And we already know, “fine, [you’ll] face but not love it” 🙄
You see, life is all about walking the walk
If at any point, your mouth is going to open to talk
Don’t be about all of the smoke and mirrors
Step into your experiences and look a bit clearer
Every place you find yourself, that’s where you are
And you know your God, so don’t ever think you are far
From the intended location of your current presence
Think in symbols, and the the fear will start to lessen
Thank God for each day that you have on this earth
Even when it feels like you’re dying (often and) slowly by bursts 🔥
Here we go, time to take a huge leap of faith
I’m crossing my fingers that I won’t be a disgrace
To this path of healing that I willingly jumped on
When suddenly in the dark I got a glimpse of the dawn
Family of origin, we’ll be spending some time
So fucking rare it inspired these rhymes
It’s been over a decade, maybe even two
Of being trapped in the memories of all the abuse
In the younger years when it seemed like everyone was fighting
Back when I still knew how to purge with my writing
But we’re all growing up in our own little ways
Maybe these are the new-found lighter kind of days
Of laughter, joy, and everything else
We don’t have to accept the hand we thought we’d been dealt
It’s uncomfortable as hell but it’s cool to sit back and see
What we’re all going through and who we’re turning out to be
If I had to guess, I’d say it’s probably similar to
Childhood for us, which we all quickly outgrew
So a regression of sorts to when our hearts were open
I can see the healing in what felt irreparably broken
The journey isn’t over, I think it goes on forever
At least in this life, maybe an infinite endeavor
But I chose them, and they chose me
So we might as well work together to help each other see
The beauty of living with our hearts open wide
It ain’t easy but we can take it all in stride
We’ll hold hands, breathe deep, and take a leap together
Because some of these souls I’ve chosen forever
My soul people they are, so I suppose I’ll do
Everything I can, I’ll keep following the clues
From my guides, my God, and all of those willing
To help us on this rocky path towards forgiving
Ourselves and the ones we feel we’ve been harmed by
It may not always look like it, but every day I try
To give all the energy that I can muster up
I must say some days it doesn’t feel like enough
But along the way, I’ve learned how to be kind
To myself and others, no more navigating blind
Those days are over, time to face the light
Even on the days when it seems too goddamn bright
It’s okay to accept the love into our hearts
It’s from somewhere that we all have to pick a place start
Thank you for this process, it sure hasn’t been easy
It’s turned me into all sorts of different kinds of cheesy
Towards the people I meet as I continue to move on
And as I learn to accept the darkness with the dawn
Thank you for this life, it’s so beautiful and messy
What a gift to receive all these magical blessings
I’ll keep moving forward, one foot in front of the other
In my world that no longer requires an armor to cover-
Up who I am and who I really want to be
Which is a choice, and I choose, I think I’d rather be free
I feel as if I’m floating in a womb
Before now, honestly, it felt like a tomb
And maybe it was, I can’t be sure
I think both are rebirth and equally as pure
I am ready to be born and done with all of that
Small thinking and the internal tit for tat
So much work, it seems all I do is grind
I wonder if I will ever really come to find
My purpose here in the work that I do
To my current state I feel stuck like glue
What am I waiting for and when will it come?
In the meantime maybe I’ll come undone
Perhaps that’s the purpose, a slow death of the old
Maybe you have to experience some kind of chokehold
Before you’ll give up and scream Uncle in this chapter
Right when it turns into an utter disaster
Because healing and change don’t always feel good
They challenge everything that’s under the hood
Of our Selves, our hearts, and all of our beliefs
Sometimes it takes years, other times it’s brief
What a strange feeling of death and birth
I can honestly say that it feels like a first
But I think it’s because I was focused on the end
The thought of new beginnings blew away with the wind
The darkness used to come and go much more quickly
But this year it turned into weeks and months of sick me
Maybe now it’s time that I get a small glimpse
Beyond the heavy muck and everything dense
I welcome the light when it’s ready to be
Something I deserve and am prepared to see
I get little sparks of hope, I find comfort in my people
I found I can pray on my knees without a steeple
It’s a constant thing that I try to do
Communicate with those who are willing to come through
With a message for me, from this plane or another
That give me signs of the things that are yet to be uncovered
Thank you for the gifts of my family’s healing
Sometimes it still feels like a dream and my mind’s reeling
I’m ready to be done with this old conditioned wiring
I need to break through and feel something inspiring
I can and I will, it’s a matter of time
For now I’ll keep giving the old clock a wind
Everyday Awakenings 