family

Child of God

~ Everyday Awakenings ~ Leave a comment

Listen closely to me, my dear, you are a child of God 

And no one on this earth should be able to convince you that you are not 

And if they actually try to, please just turn your head 

They may not be able to tell but their insides may be a bit dead 

Not in the literal sense, it’s more about a lack of deep feeling 

Where they can’t tell it’s God’s joy and love that they’re actually stealing 

Because their light may be dim, and they can’t see all of the effects 

Of their meddling behaviors and the things that get caught up in their nets 

But those things they’ll have to deal with, it definitely is not your job 

To tell folks when they’re on base or even when they truly are not 

Remember that GOD gives out gifts, He is the ultimate decider 

He decides when to make you turn from a lover into a “fighter”-

for all of the greater good, you don’t need to be understood 

Let others do the work of cleaning underneath their own hoods 

Abandonment Wound

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Please let me see your abandonment wound

How far does it go, way back to the womb

Have you been tossed around like a Raggedy Ann

And have you ever found the the full strength to stand

Or does it always feel like you fall short at the line

When you go to seek, do you struggle to find

The next step in life, like its path is blank

Finding it hard to tell the difference between Adam and Frank

It all goes back to the opinions on-hand

Everyone seems to have devised their own plan

To my life’s next steps, it seems to be a lot

I love these people, so why do I feel distraught

Can I release this nagging and constant noise

Can I give the existing darkness its voice

And if I do, what will it say

Will it ask me to go or to stay

Can I let them be, the dark and the light

Or will I fall farther into feelings of contrite

Will I dig into my depths for the secret answer

Will I remember that darkness can also be a dancer

The shadow in life, its a part of the walk

But make sure that you watch your mouth when you talk

Especially when people show up to help

Just ignore when their heavy hands leave welts

It’s not personal, it’s just that they can see your pain

And they want you to experience all of life’s gains

Not all will speak your language, and that’s okay

Just watch for the ones who are CONSISTENT and STAY

Ignore ALL of the ones who make fun of you

The ones who think trauma-triggering is cute

Don’t be apologetic when your insides are screaming

Be extra careful when you start to think of teaming-

Up with folks who have “your” best interest at heart

Who draw the line down and point with certainty at Start

Only you can know, but please keep yourself open

The Light creeps in right where you think you are broken

Broken Spirit

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Have you seen my littlest spirit, I lost just a little piece

She didn’t even ask me before she decided to release

I think she got a little confused, or maybe just unsure

Or maybe she met more in life than she felt she could endure

But now I’m ready to find her, because I haven’t felt quite whole

I’ve acted in ways I’m not proud of, I almost even stole

I’ve tried to fill her empty space with every possible thing

With all the things in this life, and even with things in dreams

But none of it has felt quite right as when she was here with me

Since she left, I’ll tell you what, I haven’t felt as real as real can be

So I’m going to make a space, one special and just for her

So when she’s ready to return, she’ll know we can endure

She’ll know it because she’ll see the love that I’ve carefully applied

She’ll see I never let my memory of her willingly slip aside

I’ll wait as patiently as she needs and keep my door unlocked

I’ll welcome her with open arms, even if she opens it but doesn’t knock

I can’t rush her process, it’s really truly hers

‘Cause when I try to control it, it seems to make it worse

So patience is the real key here, and steady careful strides

When the coast feels clearer, she won’t feel like she needs to hide

It really is some tricky stuff, caring for our littlest parts

But when we make them feel real safe, they nuzzle softly into our hearts

Stinky Poop

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I need to tell you something about your poop: it stinks

And waaayyy worse at times than you may even actually think

And yes you have to do it, it’s a natural biological fact

Just don’t forget to have some awareness during these inevitable acts

Because even though we know you have to doo what you have to doo

Nooo one out here actually really wants to smell your poo !

So when it’s really stinky, please take the proper precautions

And if its scent will drift toward others just ensure it’s not too often

Protect your loved ones’ nostrils from the smelly and foul truth

Most know this issue is fact too, we’re no longer in our youth

You’ve been so brave to learn these lessons, even if they’re late

Don’t forget about the part of life that enacts your inevitable fate

Raising LaBar

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Let me tell you some things about the ones who will and have raised you

They’re not always the ones who’ll constantly sit back and appraise you

They’ll notice when things aren’t quite feeling as if they’re all balanced out

They’ll pick up on your stirring feelings of confusion and doubt

And know that they may not always resc’you, that’s not evidence of true love

You can get that devotion from the Big Guy upstairs ‘n’ those above

Human love is sometimes soft, but it can also feel really hard

You’ll face challenges and ask yourself what you should keep or discard

But don’t forget that your God will never make any mistakes

He adds things to your life, but sometimes he takes

And taking may mean change, so don’t get so overwhelmed

Have Faith in the One who guides you and heads-up your helm

Some things have to die in order for new things to grow

Open your heart and your mind to the circus that’s God’s nature’s show

You can view it with gratitude, or let things pass you by

But your soul knows the way and how high it wants to fly

Your heart will tell you which ones to hold onto or release

But FYI, your Love’ll knock down walls until your body is deceased

Second Chances

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Let me tell you about my God, He’s the God of second chances

You thought He turned his back on you but you missed His steady glances

As soon as you walked in, you immediately caught His eye

He never would’ve let you just unnoticeably pass Him by

But it’s not always that easy, He has some expectations

So don’t go ‘round shouting yet with pure joy and elation

There may just be some things that he also wants from you

Did you think you could get by unscathed just by doing what you do

See the God of second chances, is also one of fairness

Right when you think you’re covered-up you’ll recognize your bareness

He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake

A different type of Santa Claus who knows your special fate

But just because you’re given a map doesn’t depict which way you’ll trek

You may find yourself off the beaten-path and fearing for your neck

Because remember when He made you, it was in His very own image

So you’re not Him, you are your own, with your very own gifts and limits

Please keep these things in mind as you try to find your way

Be sure to use your gifts and discernment when confusion comes into play

But don’t get so overwhelmed that you forget about the start

The One who put you all together, including your big heart

It’s clear that it’s a tricky thing, so please work on being patient

We promise you’ll advance along before you become “ancient”

Just don’t get so caught up on being the one who’s always “right”

You’ll find yourself in one big pickle or in frequent fights

Humility and serenity will be found on your future journey

But it won’t be handed to you, you’re going to have to earn it

So open your eyes and pick your head up, put one foot in front of the other

Pay attention to yourself and when.you.can, your “brothers”

Level-Up

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How will you know if you’re being asked to level-up?

I’m not sure you can prepare for it, it’s gonna seem abrupt

You may feel lost and confused, abandoned and afraid

You’ll do anything to survive… you’ll do whatever it takes

But that is the old you, the one you’re starting to heal

And while it may look ugly at first, it’s a really big deal!!

Your awareness of your patterns is how they start to shift

Awareness will fall upon you, it may even cause some riffs

But now it won’t be the same as it’s been in the past

The lies that you told yourself, well, they just won’t last !!

Your ultimate truth is starting to come up for air

To help pull you out of your deep pit of despair

You can have all of your feelings, thoughts, and emotions

Just don’t create – when you can control it – unnecessary commotion

Especially not with others, you must stay in your lane

You know it’s not their fault when you’re “going in-sane”

And if they do in fact contribute to the pain that you feel

Create distance, don’t sweat it, just keep keeping it real

Find your center, use your sight, and be very clear

But be willing to examine all angles and how each one appears

Parts will remind you of the Big Book’s step four and step five-

Your gears will shift from reverse, to neutral, to drive

You understand now that virtue exists in your mind

Don’t look at what you’re doing then exclaim, “but, I’m blind” !

Now you have some knowledge, some tools, and some of your peeps

Don’t be afraid to join your crew, your people, the freaks!

Now this part’s really hard, you’ll have to be brutally honest

But these are the times — heavy times are upon us!

So you must purge, let it go, please lighten your load

Don’t let any-one push you to the point you explode

Learn to keep your cool and focus on the task at-hand

The ones labeled yours, that are YOURS to command

And let others have theirs, they have their journeys, too

It’s not always your work, it’s not always about you!!

Oh and here’s one thing you’ll really have to start to absorb

Put it on repeat: your actions speak louder than your words!!

You’re doing great, a little wobbly, but you are gaining ground

Don’t forget to enjoy, don’t forget to pause and look around

Baby steps is how you get there and you’re doing just fine

Keep your eye on the prize, next let’s focus on the mind

Silence

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What do you say when you can’t find the words

When their selection might determine what ends up being heard

Sometimes I have thoughts, and other times I’m blank

And sometimes it gets jumbled all together if I’m frank

As I started coming into a deeper awareness

I started thinking about things, like duality and fairness…

Or what makes me me, and what makes you you…

When you’re not sure about life, what do you do

Do you stay where you are and ask lots of questions

When life drags you around, do you seek out the lessons

Do you pick yourself up at every which turn

From all of your experiences, do you try to learn

Because life will give you moments that were made just for you

Opportunities and trials for you to work through

Don’t see them all as just big bumps in the road

Get out your tools and start trying to de-code

You’ll know that you were meant to be where you are

Because God put you underneath that sky and those stars!

And if you get scared, just know that it will eventually get better

Pray, go easy, and don’t apply too much pressure

But also know when to give yourself timeout

Watch for any stirrings of confusion or doubt

Don’t hurt the people who are extra sensitive and sweet

The ones who you think are super real and pretty neat

The people who came into your life solely to enhance

Don’t abuse, confuse, or fall into a trance

Be honest with yourself and always wear your authenticity

If things get overwhelming shift to genuine simplicity

Keep your intentions pure and if you find there’s been an intrusion

Love yourself hard, purge the feelings, it might be in seclusion

See, energies will creep in so you have to pay close attention

It’s an art to work it down, it’s a WAR OF ATTRITION

Thank you for your part, it sure as shit hasn’t been easy

But with all of this practice, it’ll become easy-breezy

We call this, “conditioning,” you should be very familiar

But this time, darling, you’ve been given the chance to reconfigure

Your innards, your wiring, and what is written in your heart

What you didn’t know when it was being mauled and torn apart

Was that you would be the one who gets to put it back together

And with the team that you picked, life will just keep getting better and fucking better!!

Who am I? / Who I am.

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I spent most of my life having faith in all of them

Most of them I considered trusted family or friends

Were their intentions good, did they have a firm grasp

Of the ideas they projected upon which I clasped

Or did I get confused when others tried to impress

Their ideas onto me if their minds were hard-set

Well now I’ve arrived at the part where I begin

I’ll no longer allow my head to fall or to spin

I can listen to their words but still make up my mind

About who I am, it’s not by them I’m defined

So as I keep going, I will do what I need

I’ll keep the ones close who’ll help me succeed

In understanding my Self, my morals and values

Please present your steady attention, shall you?

I believe that everything here happens for a reason

That people are there for a lifetime, a reason, or a season

That when we feel doubt, we need to amp up our faith

And remember that in His eyes we’re not a disgrace

There may be some heavy things that come up for air

They need lots of love, we can’t fall into despair

We trust that if we’re suffering we must’ve been gifted

With this task of healing, we’ve never really drifted

Far from the places that we must stand tall

Always ready for a serve, a spike, and a fall

For all of us here these paths have been chosen

And any pot in which we’re planted we must grow in

It could be weeks or years, maybe even decades

We can survive mental health, break-ups, and plagues

The trick is to believe that anything is possible

Yes we could focus instead on the probable

But life is guaranteed to throw you some curves

You’ll try to jump, to dodge and then swerve

But most of the big stuff, it was written in the stars

So no matter where you go be sure to stand for who You Are

Big Heave

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You were flung up real high and then taken down low

A serious breakthrough occurred, don’t you know

You felt it in your body, it shot up and down your spine

Intense shaking and sweating, you started to unwind

The energy was overwhelming, as it can often be

But when you came out of it found that you could clearly see

There was no more uneasiness, no more masking heavy doubt

You suddenly knew what you needed and couldn’t live without

What you’ve come to see is that it’s all part of the plan

God had to take you up and down to teach you how to stand

I know it can be very scary, you saw an awful lot of things

But please reflect on how much clarity those sights and images bring

There was a little baby, wrapped quietly on a table

In front of a window with a cross, the sight appeared quite stable

But what you didn’t know is what the image helps portray

A symbol of the One who knows you and who always stays

So even when you think you’re alone and that no one really cares

Remember the love of the One who made you never can compare

So pick your head up, open your eyes, and continue seeing clearly

There’s a ways to go in this life, so tread light and hold it dearly

Perspective

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How do you look at things, from which angles

Do you hold them real close then up high so they can dangle

Do you look from far away, then turn them upside down

Do you stand on top and then spin them around

I’d like to share with you about something called perspective

It might require that you pause and get a bit reflective

It’s all about how you choose to look at every thing

How you perceive the good and the bad that things bring

For example, when you begin looking at a loss

You might be examining what you paid, as in cost

But what you might be missing is cost as in investment

Which can be hard to see, especially if you were an adolescent

You might’ve lost a lot, you might’ve really strained

But you’ve gained so much more that your vision must change

Practice framing your stories in a positive light

Don’t only focus on their elevation, your plight

Especially not the ones you try to kill yourself for

It takes them too, sometimes you can do nothing more

Adopt the understanding that you can’t win them all

Sometimes you’ll stand, other times you’ll fall

What’s so important is that you just keep on going

Even if it’s not clear, all of the “knowing”

What’s taken place, it was written in the stars

From your fated place, you’ve never strayed far

You get what is needed: people, places, and things

When it feels really good, and even when it stings

So don’t forget to reconsider when you start to reflect

Just when you think you know, double-check

‘Cause there’s a holiness in all things, even the pain

You might see a loss when there’s also a gain

So keep on practicing, it’s a very important lesson

Once you get going, we’ll move onto the next one

Save Your Self

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No one can save you, you have to save your self

You have to fix your life, your perspectives, your health

If you don’t, unfortunately, neither can “they”

No matter who comes, who goes, or who stays

See this is adulthood… it can really be hard

You’ll wade through your karma, your past, its shards

You’ll blame other people, then look in the mirror

Your sight, if you work at it, will keep getting clearer

You’ll see them and they, she and then he

Then one day you’ll wake up and be shocked to see “me”

Now this is the part where you’ll want to give up

Because some of your decisions, when examined, they’re rough

You’ve been selfish and self-centered, you’ve blamed and shamed

You’ve labeled others’ demons, you’ve called them names

This started in childhood, when the chaos was rampant

You didn’t know when it was coming ‘cause you didn’t plan it

When the big people flailed, you had to learn to tell

Will this end in glory, or will I wind up in hell

Do I need to play it soft, sweet, and kind

Or do I need to “put up my dukes” and defend from a bind

But I’ll tell you something sweet, much sweeter than this

Life will give you good stuff you won’t want to miss

You’ll find love and friends, adopted sibs and parents

You’ll go on trips, tours…fulfill God-given errands

And yours are for you, so please don’t compare

We’re all of God’s children, special and rare

Stay present for your life, its gifts and struggles

When a fight comes up, show ‘em your knuckles

But when it gives you beauty, try to just rest

You can be totally relaxed and still be your best

As a matter of fact, God wants you to know

You’ve gotta take a break from lugging baggage in-tow

Thank you for deciding to try to be responsible

Just wait until you see what it can all make possible

Hymns and Haws

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There’s a flow to life, the way that it goes

The way it moves, shakes, rattles and rolls

It’ll bring you to your best, and show you your worst

It’ll make you come in last, then put you in first

You’ll think that you know, and maybe you do

But let time pass, live life all the way through

There’s a cycle to existence that never really stops

It’s still moving, even when out bodies drop

But what you’ll come to find as the clock hands tick

Is that your team, they’re the ones that YOU and God picked

Sometimes that’ll be him, or her, or them

Other times, on your own self and God you’ll depend

But please don’t give up as folks enter your world

The next decades you’ll find your self being hurled

Into the lives for which you’ve got to fight tooth and nail

Sometimes you’ll feel weak and other times pale

But the body can withstand more than you know

Don’t let its deceptions cause delay on life’s show

Step into the light and claim your rightful stake

You know the path, the way, and your fate

Honest, Hard Work

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Wade through the muck, please do what you need

This honest, hard work’s very necessary to succeed

If you don’t unravel your personal confliction

It’ll be hard to overcome your powerful addiction

See you went from repress, to suppress, to escape

Because you discovered it’s easier to manipulate the physical along the way

To wrestle the mind can really be draining

Especially if at work you spend a lot of time straining

Balance is a thing upon which the universe relies

Be friends with your mind, it’s nothing to despise

It works hard and fast, to take care of you

Looking for “reasons” so that it can subdue

These feelings in your body that want to come out

It’s yearning for you to allow it to scream and to shout

Don’t trap them inside, that game’s getting old

Opportunities are arising but your plate’s getting cold

Feed yourself from the deep pit of your stomach

Its outside’s not flat, but learn how to love it

Parent your child, who needs you to be

As honest as you never even thought you could be

Trust your guides, yourself, and your learned knowledge

Hurry up and get through the necessary college

Your calling is waiting for you to catch up

And please remind yourself daily, you’re enough

Reassurance

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Use your Will to will

So you can stop feeling you’re being pushed down a hill

Step into your Light

Knowing that by nature you can’t always shine bright

Accept who You are

It might not’ve felt like it, but you’ve never been far

Stand in your Place

Keep creating, staking, and owning your space

Use your real Voice

For the ones near you who may not always have a choice

Remember your roots

So that you and your company will remain in cahoots

Practice humility

Don’t abuse the divine gift you’ve been given in your abilities

Stay in your lane

Remember, you’re not God, don’t act so in vain

Cherish your life

Despite all the loss, heartache, and strife

The truth is, you’re free

You’ve just struggled through healing your poor little me

Open your eyes

Life no longer has to remain cloaked in disguise

Lift your head up

And remember that I AM THE ONE who fills up your cup

Pat yourself on the back

For climbing the mountain to get back on track

Love yourself first

The Love that you emanate might quench someone’s thirst

Try to just be

That is always where you will find comfort in ME

Depth

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There’s a well of sadness residing deep within me

I buried it long ago so that no one else could see

The pain that I feel, it’s too much to bear

If the floodgates were opened you’d stop to stare

Where do you start when you feel you’re at the end

Of your wits, your strength, and your ability to tend

To your needs, the hurt, and the pit of despair

Take your hands off your throat and please come up for air

This life isn’t a race, all you really have is now

Let the tears fall from your eyes and the sweat from your brow

Don’t run from the pain, the secret’s in the depth

And you know what they say, even “Jesus wept.”

Maturity

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Reach with your mind and stretch with your heart

Don’t be afraid when you’re ready to embark

On a journey about learning how to let go

Of the wiring that says, “I must be in control.”

It sure served you well as a very young child

It took the severity of it all from extreme to mild

It gave you the power to set some boundaries

When everyone around you just kept on floundering

So inside you went, and you locked the door

The careless ones around you made you feel abhorred

At their inconsideration just flying around

No one would reach up to pull it back down

So away you went, leading your charge

You were armed and equipped with protective garb

You fought off the feelings of less-than-enough

You stayed walled-in and guarded, appearing tough

But the truth is your heart is big and it’s soft

This Who-You-Are’s starting to peel the layers off

It’s time to step into your Authentic expression

You’ve done loads of work and learned tons of lessons

One day at a time is truly all we have

But the memories are yours to cherish and amass

Challenge Your Pain

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You’ll know when you’re ready to challenge your pain

It might be on the downslope of going insane

Or that’s what it feels like, a landslide of sorts

Your mind will scramble and your body will contort

The process is something like being reborn

You’ll be filled with elation, then flooded with scorn

The light will be so bright you’ll feel you’re floating around

Then day turns to night and someone stuffs you in the ground

And nothing can ever really be predicted

Because none of the days feel the same when conflicted

You’ll be ready for the end if you can just turn the corner

But with every single turn comes a new set of orders

Challenging your pain is somewhere at the top

It means you’ve arrived at the place where it stops

Where the fear of something new has shrunken enough

Where the idea of stretching yourself doesn’t feel quite as tough

Where you know you need to go if you want to really see

How beautiful your gift of life can ultimately be

Confliction

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Tell me when you feel the weight of your Spirit

Or the sound that it makes, lean in so you can hear it

It’s with your human self that you’ll have to assess

It’s in your body that you’ll ultimately have to acquiesce

You can’t gauge the infinite in a limited being

It’s not with your eyes that you do all your seeing

You’re both, can’t you see, it’s why you get confused

Your humanity gets in the way and senses get misused

You play roles in waking life and then doze off to sleep

Then you fall into your dreams equally as deep

You’re just as there as you are when you’re awake

You have equal amounts invested and at stake

In your conscious and subconscious, they both play a role

When you try to make sense of them you fall into a hole

Of your thoughts that never really seem to slow down

If each were a drop of water you’d surely have drowned

I know you get tired of the pulling confliction

It’s being stuck in the middle that feeds your addiction

To staying in the dark where it’s hard to clearly see

Where tears pour from your eyes and your heart bleeds

Stay soft, little girl, ‘cause the battle sure ain’t over

Lean in close and get to know your inner warrior

Broken Record

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Reading, writing and arithmetic

Throw me at a wall and watch me stick:

Done. I mean, just for the moment

Because part of me knows it’s mine and to own it

But I’ll tell you something about the weight of it all

You stand right up and without a doubt, fall

I know it’s my fault that I’m staying stuck

I know it’s not that I have bad luck

My mind feels broken, it always takes the wrong turn

Self-sabotage and shame start to swarm and churn

I always set it up so that one of us leaves

Which affirms the cemented and repeated belief

That I’m so defective and that they all go

And isn’t it fucked that I actually know

That I feed the cycle that I hate so much

That I’m conscious of the bullshit and the crutch

I also know that my mature adult’s here now

I always see her, there to help and show me how

But I brush her presence off, it’s easier to do

Because loving encouragement is not what I’m used to

And the pain feels too much to bear

To feel the hurt when I become aware

First Runner-Up

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It feels like it must’ve been just yesterday

That I was running inside after a long day of play

Only to be met by a reality that hurt

I should’ve just stayed outside in the dirt

Because at least Mother Nature would hold me dearly

Her devotion and love I could always feel clearly

But home was riddled with chaos and confusion

Most of the time, reality was an illusion

It’s where my core wound began to set in

Where so many days the tie went to him

Where I stood outside her door that was locked

And with tears in my eyes, softly I knocked

The silence that followed would usually be met

With a desire, a hope, and a prayer to forget

The deafening sound of not being chosen

No wonder I became so numb and so frozen

But I know why it all had to happen that way

And why most of the people who come don’t stay

To teach me how to start choosing myself

To start to prioritize my heart’s value and health

To make sure that I’m ok no matter where I am

And when I’m weak to learn to take my own hand

It still isn’t easy, this lesson I’m learning

Opportunities arise and I feel all the churning

Of emotions that got trapped 20+ years ago

The ones that block any rationality I know

But I’ve learned over time to find a quiet space

Where I can go back to that dark and heavy place

To show my little girl she’s not trapped anymore

To pick up her devastation and show it to the door

The days are getting fewer and farther between

You’ve accomplished so much more than it seems

Keep on going, and please don’t ever question

When people show up to teach you life’s greatest lessons

Evolution

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I wish you would please tell me, what ever is the trick

To figure out the messages and to make them stick

I’m not talking about the black stuff that my feet get stuck in

And not the place I put my head every time it starts to spin

Where’s the assurance of what really is the Truth

And where’s the confirmation that there’s really any use

To always being the one who’s trying to figure it all out

Everyone else just seems to want to scream and shout

But don’t we all deserve it, to get to stand in our Light

And to lower our fists when it comes to the knock-down drag-out fights

What if we maybe tried using some of our words

And what if that way we actually ended up being heard

By just being honest about what’s truly on our hearts

And trust me, I get it, that’s the hardest fucking part

Because if you’re anything like me, you’re not always very clear

About which thoughts and feelings to share as they appear

Is this one old? Is this one True? Or is it the same old lie?

My mind tends to make things up which leads to my demise

Life is funny, and I’m not sure it’ll ever really be solved

What seems to happen is that we just continue to evolve

Book of Resolution (DRAFT)

~ Everyday Awakenings ~ Leave a comment

It’s the middle of the night and I’m writing again

Living life as if just around the corner there’s an end

To this struggle that I’ve had since I was a wee little tot

The problem is I didn’t have to give it any thought

My feeling body shut down so I was completely numb

And I convinced myself along the way that I must’ve been dumb

But the opposite was true and I just couldn’t see

All of the gifts that I had if I could only be me

Well isn’t it funny that now I’m back in that place

In that safe, familiar, and seemingly rotten space

Of trying to numb because now my feelers are on

And for two+ years the wall of protection’s been gone

So now I’m just hurting but also unwilling to listen

And I’m sure that the lesson is to love myself without condition

But my patience is wearing and my desire to arrive

At a place that my ego keeps trying to contrive

Is blowing up bigger than I feel I can stand

My ego is taking over and has become something grand

It’s laughing in my face while it continues to resist

I get the ball rolling and its clinging just persists

I fall flat on my face and when I look up I see

People laughing and staring at this oblivious me

Who doesn’t know which way to go or how to overcome

I’m afraid if I don’t get it someone will call this game done

So I spin my wheels everyday wondering how can I “win”

But I can’t even fucking find the willingness to begin

It’s like the answers are staring me right in the face

Still I brush them aside and on my forehead write, “disgrace”

Because everyone around me knows it’s a matter of choice

When I open my mouth to tell ego it cuts off my voice

I’m tired of the fact that I keep myself here

In pain, suffering, waiting for willingness to appear

I’m equally as tired of hearing myself bitch

As I victimize myself when to the poor I seem rich

I wish I could just sit without the feud inside

That’s what the drugs and the food are trying to provide

But shit doesn’t work so you’d think I’d just stop

‘Cause when the voices start back up again the place-marker drops

The B̶r̶o̶k̶e̶n̶ Healing Place

~ Everyday Awakenings ~ Leave a comment

You are needed where your heart feels the most broken

Where your lips quiver at even the thought of all the words left unspoken

Where your pain wraps you up and swallows you whole

Where you planned, you plotted, and clearly outlined your goal:

To get out, to escape, to run far and never return

This is the land where your bones rattle and your soul’s fire burns

You are needed where your heart feels the most broken

‘Cause life’s like a game at the circus, and your pain is your token

It will disappoint you most of the time, and you’ll feel you’re coming up short

But I’d be remiss if I didn’t ask you, please don’t abort

Your efforts in this game of life that you’ll play

Where you’ll learn some real and tough lessons along the way

The ones that you chose, before whence you came

You even hand-picked all of the people you could blame

But blame is a humanity thing, if you didn’t already know

You love them and you asked them to come here to show

You how to get the things that you want for your Highest Self

It may not look like fame, a sea of friends, or even excessive wealth

But it will be what you need to help you evolve along the way

Trust your instincts when you want to leave but they tell you to stay

Despite the fire in your soul and the pain that rattles your bones

Because it’s the trauma that will surface and you’ll come due on your loans

Find your space, find your people, it’s all going to be okay

Don’t forget, it was all pre-planned any-fucking-way

Growing Up

~ Everyday Awakenings ~ Leave a comment

What’s this icky, mucky, yucky mess? 

Sorry to say, but I must confess 

There’s a little girl, she’s trapped inside 

And all she’s known is run-and-hide 

Protect that heart, it’s the number one 

Priority following the devastating shun 

That shut her down and turned her in 

When it becomes too much, her head does spin 

Around and around, if it builds up speed 

Get out quick, my warning please heed 

The sight will make you feel an ache 

And in hearing about the crushing heart-break 

You’ll learn that she was left, all alone 

And that it seems as if she’ll always be prone 

To those old ways and how it’s been 

At the sight I’ll admit I sometimes cringe 

It’s such a slow go, this growing thing 

With the aches and pains it seems to bring 

But that’s life and how it’ll always be 

Don’t expect that you’ll ever truly be free 

From the highs and the lows, it’s a kind of game 

So pick your head up and try to sustain  

Because balance exists, it’s all around 

First you’ll feel lost, then you’ll feel found 

There’s night and day, birth and death 

And don’t try to say that God made a mess 

Of this beautiful place, where joy and pain 

Exist together with loss and gain 

Because if you didn’t have both, how would you know? 

The value when it actually starts to show 

That you’ve grown up, and finally begun 

To lessen the moments when you come undone

So you move and you bend, and sometimes you break 

But you try not to forget what’s really at stake 

It’s a chance to hold a Loving space 

For those when they cry out, “Holy Grace!” 

And someday you’ll get to stand in your light 

After the years of a seemingly never-ending fight 

With who you think you are, or maybe should be 

The time will come when you will see 

There’s a little girl in most of us 

And we all need someone that we can trust 

So when you come out on the other side 

You’ll be the lucky one that gets to provide 

A space where someone can bravely say, 

“I’m scared… do you think, maybe you could stay?”

You’ll hold her hand and you’ll quickly feel 

The familiar feeling of being stuck in that wheel 

You’ll say, “it’s okay, I’ll stay right here 

And I’ll listen to you, sweet little dear 

Because you matter, and I want you to know 

This is simply a chance for you to grow” 🌳 

So she keeps going, and she’ll always remember 

To love that little girl, and to never forget her

Family

~ Everyday Awakenings ~ Leave a comment

Here we go, time to take a huge leap of faith 

I’m crossing my fingers that I won’t be a disgrace 

To this path of healing that I willingly jumped on 

When suddenly in the dark I got a glimpse of the dawn 

Family of origin, we’ll be spending some time 

So fucking rare it inspired these rhymes 

It’s been over a decade, maybe even two 

Of being trapped in the memories of all the abuse 

In the younger years when it seemed like everyone was fighting 

Back when I still knew how to purge with my writing 

But we’re all growing up in our own little ways 

Maybe these are the new-found lighter kind of days 

Of laughter, joy, and everything else 

We don’t have to accept the hand we thought we’d been dealt 

It’s uncomfortable as hell but it’s cool to sit back and see

What we’re all going through and who we’re turning out to be 

If I had to guess, I’d say it’s probably similar to 

Childhood for us, which we all quickly outgrew 

So a regression of sorts to when our hearts were open 

I can see the healing in what felt irreparably broken 

The journey isn’t over, I think it goes on forever 

At least in this life, maybe an infinite endeavor 

But I chose them, and they chose me 

So we might as well work together to help each other see

The beauty of living with our hearts open wide

It ain’t easy but we can take it all in stride

We’ll hold hands, breathe deep, and take a leap together 

Because some of these souls I’ve chosen forever 

My soul people they are, so I suppose I’ll do 

Everything I can, I’ll keep following the clues 

From my guides, my God, and all of those willing 

To help us on this rocky path towards forgiving 

Ourselves and the ones we feel we’ve been harmed by 

It may not always look like it, but every day I try 

To give all the energy that I can muster up 

I must say some days it doesn’t feel like enough 

But along the way, I’ve learned how to be kind 

To myself and others, no more navigating blind 

Those days are over, time to face the light 

Even on the days when it seems too goddamn bright 

It’s okay to accept the love into our hearts 

It’s from somewhere that we all have to pick a place start 

Thank you for this process, it sure hasn’t been easy 

It’s turned me into all sorts of different kinds of cheesy 

Towards the people I meet as I continue to move on 

And as I learn to accept the darkness with the dawn 

Thank you for this life, it’s so beautiful and messy 

What a gift to receive all these magical blessings 

I’ll keep moving forward, one foot in front of the other 

In my world that no longer requires an armor to cover- 

Up who I am and who I really want to be 

Which is a choice, and I choose, I think I’d rather be free