self-love

Goodbye

~ Everyday Awakenings ~ Leave a comment

I saw you say goodbye 

Didn’t even express a sigh 

Maybe you were thinking 

Of keeping on with drinking 

I know it’s been really big 

Hard not to take another swig 

I’ve sat long enough in that chair 

It’s taken a lot for me to share 

I used to get really sick 

Thinking about facing it 

But I’ve gotten tired of the story 

Its repetition has started to bore me 

I want to see in living color 

The feelings aren’t “above her” 

Gotta hunker down in the day 

Can’t worry about what you say 

I wish you all the very best 

I hope I passed your test 

Please take care of you 

Keep on saying what is True 

Child of God

~ Everyday Awakenings ~ Leave a comment

Listen closely to me, my dear, you are a child of God 

And no one on this earth should be able to convince you that you are not 

And if they actually try to, please just turn your head 

They may not be able to tell but their insides may be a bit dead 

Not in the literal sense, it’s more about a lack of deep feeling 

Where they can’t tell it’s God’s joy and love that they’re actually stealing 

Because their light may be dim, and they can’t see all of the effects 

Of their meddling behaviors and the things that get caught up in their nets 

But those things they’ll have to deal with, it definitely is not your job 

To tell folks when they’re on base or even when they truly are not 

Remember that GOD gives out gifts, He is the ultimate decider 

He decides when to make you turn from a lover into a “fighter”-

for all of the greater good, you don’t need to be understood 

Let others do the work of cleaning underneath their own hoods 

Sickness/Health

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I’m here on my knees, I’ve taken my last step

Will this be it…will I win that big bet

The one that I decided to place on my-self

To be responsible for my own well-being and health

To live in the light, and to walk in my truth

Have I lost what little I have left of my youth

It isn’t easy, or fun, and it won’t be a breeze

It won’t get easier, no matter how much you beg or you plead

Because when it got sewed it in, it was sewed very tight

You asked that it not be undone, even when you think, “but i’m right” !

This is the work, girl, it’s part of the deal

The work began when you decided you were going.to.heal!

You’re funny, and kind, and you’ve got a lot to give

You have a lot of your life left to act.u.ally live

Because you haven’t been living, no matter what you say

We’ve watched you hem and haw, you’ve rocked and you’ve swayed

But you’re getting there (slowly) more things are making sense

You’re more open to the world’s insights and beautiful hints

But you’ve gotta stop the hammering on your sensitive soul

There are some things – well most things – where you’re not in control

You will know what’s best for you, you precious little doll

Bet you didn’t see the way up when you took that big fall

Its view is getting clearer, you can almost see the next step

Encourage yourself, every single chance that you get

Double Dutch

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Have you ever heard of the schoolyard game, double dutch?

It’s a game of jumping ropes but it can get pretty clutch

Because instead of just one rope, they actually swing two (!)

So it’ll take concentration and practice to show what you can do

Once the ropes start turning, it’ll be close to your time

You’ll have to connect with its dual rhythm and its rhyme

Patience and focus will be imperative to your success

Instead of just one rope, you’ll jump two to prove your best

This could go a couple ways, you could worry about your balance

Or you could pump yourself up for a special kind of challenge! 💪🏼

And if you think there’s been a mistake, well, please check your name for “God”

His mystery’s far too complex for us, it’s simply far too broad

So when your turn comes, please make sure that you are ready

Breath deep, anticipate, and keeeep it real steady

Then explode 💥 into the thick blur of spinning cords

Use your gut instincts, even when your brain and your eyes seem unsure

Because once you get the hang of it, you’ll merge with them like one

With the cords and the ropes around your Being being spun

You’ll learn to question the great fear that preceded this fun

And when it’s all over, you’ll take rest ‘n’ the rest will come undone

You will think this task is over but your training’s just begun

Little by Little

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This is how it happens, Dear, just little by little

Because God knows you truly, deeply and all the places you’re still brittle

But He also knows your strengths, so don’t think that He doesn’t care

When around a certain issue He flings you up into the air

Maybe that’s the test you’re given, to see if you can fly

Or if on your way tumbling down you simply wave at passers by

This is the price we pay for being one of His beloved

Some days we rise ‘n’ shine and other days we may feel rugged

But no matter what happens, I beg you, please do not forget

To take your sense of humor along, to bring your love and wit

‘Cause these subjects are really heavy, and not only just for you

Think about all the others – you know, your family and your crew

We’re all fighting our battles inside in one way or another

And isn’t it cool that to ease our load we can (at times) lean on each other

You’re becoming aware of just how much others have pulled some of your weight

Don’t over-criticize yourself quite yet, it’s had to do with your lowly state

You’ve come to learn there are 3 different ways that the enemy can creep-in

Generational curses, harm done to you, and your own individual sin

The best news about all of this is that everything is getting clearer

You’ve unloaded a lot, you’ve done the work, you can finally look in the mirror !

You’re getting close to having the strength to help OTHERS carry THEIR loads

And on occasion you’ll be given the chance to listen and forebode

Pay attention to all of the messages that you’ve been gifted to receive

Keep your focus on your goals and continue to build strength in what you believe

Level-Up

~ Everyday Awakenings ~ Leave a comment

How will you know if you’re being asked to level-up?

I’m not sure you can prepare for it, it’s gonna seem abrupt

You may feel lost and confused, abandoned and afraid

You’ll do anything to survive… you’ll do whatever it takes

But that is the old you, the one you’re starting to heal

And while it may look ugly at first, it’s a really big deal!!

Your awareness of your patterns is how they start to shift

Awareness will fall upon you, it may even cause some riffs

But now it won’t be the same as it’s been in the past

The lies that you told yourself, well, they just won’t last !!

Your ultimate truth is starting to come up for air

To help pull you out of your deep pit of despair

You can have all of your feelings, thoughts, and emotions

Just don’t create – when you can control it – unnecessary commotion

Especially not with others, you must stay in your lane

You know it’s not their fault when you’re “going in-sane”

And if they do in fact contribute to the pain that you feel

Create distance, don’t sweat it, just keep keeping it real

Find your center, use your sight, and be very clear

But be willing to examine all angles and how each one appears

Parts will remind you of the Big Book’s step four and step five-

Your gears will shift from reverse, to neutral, to drive

You understand now that virtue exists in your mind

Don’t look at what you’re doing then exclaim, “but, I’m blind” !

Now you have some knowledge, some tools, and some of your peeps

Don’t be afraid to join your crew, your people, the freaks!

Now this part’s really hard, you’ll have to be brutally honest

But these are the times — heavy times are upon us!

So you must purge, let it go, please lighten your load

Don’t let any-one push you to the point you explode

Learn to keep your cool and focus on the task at-hand

The ones labeled yours, that are YOURS to command

And let others have theirs, they have their journeys, too

It’s not always your work, it’s not always about you!!

Oh and here’s one thing you’ll really have to start to absorb

Put it on repeat: your actions speak louder than your words!!

You’re doing great, a little wobbly, but you are gaining ground

Don’t forget to enjoy, don’t forget to pause and look around

Baby steps is how you get there and you’re doing just fine

Keep your eye on the prize, next let’s focus on the mind

Silence

~ Everyday Awakenings ~ Leave a comment

What do you say when you can’t find the words

When their selection might determine what ends up being heard

Sometimes I have thoughts, and other times I’m blank

And sometimes it gets jumbled all together if I’m frank

As I started coming into a deeper awareness

I started thinking about things, like duality and fairness…

Or what makes me me, and what makes you you…

When you’re not sure about life, what do you do

Do you stay where you are and ask lots of questions

When life drags you around, do you seek out the lessons

Do you pick yourself up at every which turn

From all of your experiences, do you try to learn

Because life will give you moments that were made just for you

Opportunities and trials for you to work through

Don’t see them all as just big bumps in the road

Get out your tools and start trying to de-code

You’ll know that you were meant to be where you are

Because God put you underneath that sky and those stars!

And if you get scared, just know that it will eventually get better

Pray, go easy, and don’t apply too much pressure

But also know when to give yourself timeout

Watch for any stirrings of confusion or doubt

Don’t hurt the people who are extra sensitive and sweet

The ones who you think are super real and pretty neat

The people who came into your life solely to enhance

Don’t abuse, confuse, or fall into a trance

Be honest with yourself and always wear your authenticity

If things get overwhelming shift to genuine simplicity

Keep your intentions pure and if you find there’s been an intrusion

Love yourself hard, purge the feelings, it might be in seclusion

See, energies will creep in so you have to pay close attention

It’s an art to work it down, it’s a WAR OF ATTRITION

Thank you for your part, it sure as shit hasn’t been easy

But with all of this practice, it’ll become easy-breezy

We call this, “conditioning,” you should be very familiar

But this time, darling, you’ve been given the chance to reconfigure

Your innards, your wiring, and what is written in your heart

What you didn’t know when it was being mauled and torn apart

Was that you would be the one who gets to put it back together

And with the team that you picked, life will just keep getting better and fucking better!!

Who am I? / Who I am.

~ Everyday Awakenings ~ Leave a comment

I spent most of my life having faith in all of them

Most of them I considered trusted family or friends

Were their intentions good, did they have a firm grasp

Of the ideas they projected upon which I clasped

Or did I get confused when others tried to impress

Their ideas onto me if their minds were hard-set

Well now I’ve arrived at the part where I begin

I’ll no longer allow my head to fall or to spin

I can listen to their words but still make up my mind

About who I am, it’s not by them I’m defined

So as I keep going, I will do what I need

I’ll keep the ones close who’ll help me succeed

In understanding my Self, my morals and values

Please present your steady attention, shall you?

I believe that everything here happens for a reason

That people are there for a lifetime, a reason, or a season

That when we feel doubt, we need to amp up our faith

And remember that in His eyes we’re not a disgrace

There may be some heavy things that come up for air

They need lots of love, we can’t fall into despair

We trust that if we’re suffering we must’ve been gifted

With this task of healing, we’ve never really drifted

Far from the places that we must stand tall

Always ready for a serve, a spike, and a fall

For all of us here these paths have been chosen

And any pot in which we’re planted we must grow in

It could be weeks or years, maybe even decades

We can survive mental health, break-ups, and plagues

The trick is to believe that anything is possible

Yes we could focus instead on the probable

But life is guaranteed to throw you some curves

You’ll try to jump, to dodge and then swerve

But most of the big stuff, it was written in the stars

So no matter where you go be sure to stand for who You Are

Perspective

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How do you look at things, from which angles

Do you hold them real close then up high so they can dangle

Do you look from far away, then turn them upside down

Do you stand on top and then spin them around

I’d like to share with you about something called perspective

It might require that you pause and get a bit reflective

It’s all about how you choose to look at every thing

How you perceive the good and the bad that things bring

For example, when you begin looking at a loss

You might be examining what you paid, as in cost

But what you might be missing is cost as in investment

Which can be hard to see, especially if you were an adolescent

You might’ve lost a lot, you might’ve really strained

But you’ve gained so much more that your vision must change

Practice framing your stories in a positive light

Don’t only focus on their elevation, your plight

Especially not the ones you try to kill yourself for

It takes them too, sometimes you can do nothing more

Adopt the understanding that you can’t win them all

Sometimes you’ll stand, other times you’ll fall

What’s so important is that you just keep on going

Even if it’s not clear, all of the “knowing”

What’s taken place, it was written in the stars

From your fated place, you’ve never strayed far

You get what is needed: people, places, and things

When it feels really good, and even when it stings

So don’t forget to reconsider when you start to reflect

Just when you think you know, double-check

‘Cause there’s a holiness in all things, even the pain

You might see a loss when there’s also a gain

So keep on practicing, it’s a very important lesson

Once you get going, we’ll move onto the next one

Save Your Self

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No one can save you, you have to save your self

You have to fix your life, your perspectives, your health

If you don’t, unfortunately, neither can “they”

No matter who comes, who goes, or who stays

See this is adulthood… it can really be hard

You’ll wade through your karma, your past, its shards

You’ll blame other people, then look in the mirror

Your sight, if you work at it, will keep getting clearer

You’ll see them and they, she and then he

Then one day you’ll wake up and be shocked to see “me”

Now this is the part where you’ll want to give up

Because some of your decisions, when examined, they’re rough

You’ve been selfish and self-centered, you’ve blamed and shamed

You’ve labeled others’ demons, you’ve called them names

This started in childhood, when the chaos was rampant

You didn’t know when it was coming ‘cause you didn’t plan it

When the big people flailed, you had to learn to tell

Will this end in glory, or will I wind up in hell

Do I need to play it soft, sweet, and kind

Or do I need to “put up my dukes” and defend from a bind

But I’ll tell you something sweet, much sweeter than this

Life will give you good stuff you won’t want to miss

You’ll find love and friends, adopted sibs and parents

You’ll go on trips, tours…fulfill God-given errands

And yours are for you, so please don’t compare

We’re all of God’s children, special and rare

Stay present for your life, its gifts and struggles

When a fight comes up, show ‘em your knuckles

But when it gives you beauty, try to just rest

You can be totally relaxed and still be your best

As a matter of fact, God wants you to know

You’ve gotta take a break from lugging baggage in-tow

Thank you for deciding to try to be responsible

Just wait until you see what it can all make possible

Death Grip

~ Everyday Awakenings ~ Leave a comment

I’m sorry that I don’t know how to let go

It’s like the answers are in front of me, but I don’t want to know

It’s easier to pretend that something is when it isn’t

Wipe your eyes child, I thought you had 20/20 vision ?

….See, YOU(R) awareness is attached to YOU(R) experience…

And yes, about it, you tend to be very serious

But you have to remind yourself where YOU-ARE

And you can’t forget, others from afar

It takes consideration, and yes this is new

And you’ll have to work at lessening the amount you subdue

Your feelings and experiences, they’re all part of it

And we already know, “fine, [you’ll] face but not love it” 🙄

You see, life is all about walking the walk

If at any point, your mouth is going to open to talk

Don’t be about all of the smoke and mirrors

Step into your experiences and look a bit clearer

Every place you find yourself, that’s where you are

And you know your God, so don’t ever think you are far

From the intended location of your current presence

Think in symbols, and the the fear will start to lessen

Thank God for each day that you have on this earth

Even when it feels like you’re dying (often and) slowly by bursts 🔥

Discardable

~ Everyday Awakenings ~ Leave a comment

I cannot believe that you’d throw me away

After all of the prayers prayed out loud that I’d stay

But tell me, if you pray to an invisible God

Is it the same as throwing your wishes into sod

Do you leave them for bugs and misfits to take

Did you charge them with energy but leave their labels blank

Did you walk through the doors with your consciousness off

At the curious mind, do you continue to scoff

This part of life will catch up to you soon

It’s early morning and the alarm rings at noon

I don’t have the answers, I’m not that kind of One

I’m just here to say that this path will be done

Change is the thing you’re always guaranteed

You won’t always get what you want but instead what you need

Go with the feelings you have when they’re there

But don’t forget to use your mind too, when it’s aware

Make friends with the people who stay by your side

The ones who are there when you say ride or die

Depth

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There’s a well of sadness residing deep within me

I buried it long ago so that no one else could see

The pain that I feel, it’s too much to bear

If the floodgates were opened you’d stop to stare

Where do you start when you feel you’re at the end

Of your wits, your strength, and your ability to tend

To your needs, the hurt, and the pit of despair

Take your hands off your throat and please come up for air

This life isn’t a race, all you really have is now

Let the tears fall from your eyes and the sweat from your brow

Don’t run from the pain, the secret’s in the depth

And you know what they say, even “Jesus wept.”

Change

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Have you ever really wanted to change

To expand and shift your previous range

Of understanding, emotions, and relationships-

You’ll blow-up your perception, it’ll explode into bits

To face a dilemma that’s never really shifted

Please return from the place to which you unknowingly drifted

Be ready to open your mind to the truth

At first you may feel subjected to what they call “fake news”

Because realities feel firm, it can seem we’re defined

By the present situation presenting in our minds

But the truth is, you really have the will to choose

You don’t have to walk around wearing that artificial noose

If you jump into your skin, you’ll ultimately find

You aren’t really the sum of the workings of your mind

At least not thus far, but it’s getting stronger

Your consciousness is waking up, it can’t sleep any longer

So tell your animalistic, wired-wrong amygdala

It no longer has to feel ruled by the Emperor, Caligula

You’ll see when you get there, as you usually do

But we appreciate you paying close attention to the clues

Keep your hopes high, and your courage ever-steady

Everything comes to you in perfect timing: when you’re ready

Family

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Here we go, time to take a huge leap of faith 

I’m crossing my fingers that I won’t be a disgrace 

To this path of healing that I willingly jumped on 

When suddenly in the dark I got a glimpse of the dawn 

Family of origin, we’ll be spending some time 

So fucking rare it inspired these rhymes 

It’s been over a decade, maybe even two 

Of being trapped in the memories of all the abuse 

In the younger years when it seemed like everyone was fighting 

Back when I still knew how to purge with my writing 

But we’re all growing up in our own little ways 

Maybe these are the new-found lighter kind of days 

Of laughter, joy, and everything else 

We don’t have to accept the hand we thought we’d been dealt 

It’s uncomfortable as hell but it’s cool to sit back and see

What we’re all going through and who we’re turning out to be 

If I had to guess, I’d say it’s probably similar to 

Childhood for us, which we all quickly outgrew 

So a regression of sorts to when our hearts were open 

I can see the healing in what felt irreparably broken 

The journey isn’t over, I think it goes on forever 

At least in this life, maybe an infinite endeavor 

But I chose them, and they chose me 

So we might as well work together to help each other see

The beauty of living with our hearts open wide

It ain’t easy but we can take it all in stride

We’ll hold hands, breathe deep, and take a leap together 

Because some of these souls I’ve chosen forever 

My soul people they are, so I suppose I’ll do 

Everything I can, I’ll keep following the clues 

From my guides, my God, and all of those willing 

To help us on this rocky path towards forgiving 

Ourselves and the ones we feel we’ve been harmed by 

It may not always look like it, but every day I try 

To give all the energy that I can muster up 

I must say some days it doesn’t feel like enough 

But along the way, I’ve learned how to be kind 

To myself and others, no more navigating blind 

Those days are over, time to face the light 

Even on the days when it seems too goddamn bright 

It’s okay to accept the love into our hearts 

It’s from somewhere that we all have to pick a place start 

Thank you for this process, it sure hasn’t been easy 

It’s turned me into all sorts of different kinds of cheesy 

Towards the people I meet as I continue to move on 

And as I learn to accept the darkness with the dawn 

Thank you for this life, it’s so beautiful and messy 

What a gift to receive all these magical blessings 

I’ll keep moving forward, one foot in front of the other 

In my world that no longer requires an armor to cover- 

Up who I am and who I really want to be 

Which is a choice, and I choose, I think I’d rather be free 

Tick tock. Tit tat. 

~ Everyday Awakenings ~ Leave a comment

I feel as if I’m floating in a womb

Before now, honestly, it felt like a tomb

And maybe it was, I can’t be sure

I think both are rebirth and equally as pure

I am ready to be born and done with all of that

Small thinking and the internal tit for tat

So much work, it seems all I do is grind

I wonder if I will ever really come to find

My purpose here in the work that I do

To my current state I feel stuck like glue

What am I waiting for and when will it come?

In the meantime maybe I’ll come undone

Perhaps that’s the purpose, a slow death of the old

Maybe you have to experience some kind of chokehold

Before you’ll give up and scream Uncle in this chapter

Right when it turns into an utter disaster

Because healing and change don’t always feel good

They challenge everything that’s under the hood

Of our Selves, our hearts, and all of our beliefs

Sometimes it takes years, other times it’s brief

What a strange feeling of death and birth

I can honestly say that it feels like a first

But I think it’s because I was focused on the end

The thought of new beginnings blew away with the wind

The darkness used to come and go much more quickly

But this year it turned into weeks and months of sick me

Maybe now it’s time that I get a small glimpse

Beyond the heavy muck and everything dense

I welcome the light when it’s ready to be

Something I deserve and am prepared to see

I get little sparks of hope, I find comfort in my people

I found I can pray on my knees without a steeple

It’s a constant thing that I try to do

Communicate with those who are willing to come through

With a message for me, from this plane or another

That give me signs of the things that are yet to be uncovered

Thank you for the gifts of my family’s healing

Sometimes it still feels like a dream and my mind’s reeling

I’m ready to be done with this old conditioned wiring

I need to break through and feel something inspiring

I can and I will, it’s a matter of time

For now I’ll keep giving the old clock a wind

Rumble Jumble.

~ Everyday Awakenings ~ Leave a comment

wakey wakey

eggs and bakey

it’s the morning of your life

 

aren’t you glad

you’ve come this far

after all the pain and strife

 

but are you really

isn’t it strange

it’s hard to understand

 

go ahead

lay it on me

don’t avoid the reprimand

 

it’s only time

that’s showed me that

things don’t always have to be

 

the way they’ve been

32 years

please open your eyes to see

 

they’ve been trapped shut

for so long

it’s hard to know what’s real

 

it doesn’t even

matter really

if I open my arms and heart to feel

 

the nonstop thoughts

the constant churn

of is it right or wrong

 

can’t even seem

to numb my mind

for one entire song

 

on the inside it seems

I guess I feel

tired and alone

 

it’s hard to stand

the quiet ache

it sinks so deeply into my bones

 

I don’t understand this chapter

what it means

and why I stand here now

 

chop off my legs

take my voice

when will I learn to bow

 

it feels like a constant battle

never-ending

of the inner kind

 

you think I’m kidding

when I say

I can’t escape my mind

 

I search and read

and plop down thinking

what I ought to do

 

can’t seem to get there

no matter what

so I just sit and stew

 

I was a student

people told me

you must go there and here

 

the kind of people

that at the time

I thought would always be near

 

they were there

I was sure of them

and then they went away

 

all these years

and isn’t it funny

that no one seems to stay

 

but is that the condition

of this life

to show you not to cling?

 

’cause once it stops

and spins away

you can’t keep anything

 

what shifted in me

that got me here

as stubborn as can be?

 

some days I wake up

to look in the mirror

and don’t even recognize me

 

I used to be so willing

so naive

so open to what they say

 

the older ones

I always thought

they must know the way

 

what is age

but a number

that says how long you’ve survived

 

but I don’t like that

I want much more

I’d really like to thrive

 

wake up from your dream

pull up your boots

put one foot in front of the other

 

it’s okay

you know they’re there

in a constant state of hover

 

you’re not alone

despite the feel

it may even be a dream

 

one fact I know

for sure in this life

there’s no constant in any thing

 

it’s just one chapter

in the book

you’ve really done great so far

 

but please be fair

to yourself

and stop raising the goddamn bar

Inside the Suffering

~ Everyday Awakenings ~ Leave a comment

Walk on towards the light 

It’s been a long and arduous fight 

A pointless one, it was hard to see 

The biggest lesson was just to be 

But that insight comes in the depth of pain

The moment you’ve found the thing to blame 

There’s a softness inside that breaks through 

Into an old and unfamiliar you 

The one you forgot from long ago 

Before your Self turned into foe 

The girl who embraced the here and now 

Whose mind didn’t churn over the when and how 

It’s curiosity and wonder that keep us here 

That hold the magic near and dear  

Where just to be is really key

Try it on for size, you’ll agree 

So please sit back and enjoy the ride 

Turn up your mouth and swallow your pride 

I’m just as me as you are you 

Whether on a curb or in a pew 

We’re all doing our best, day to day 

Pay no attention to what the outsiders say 

Love yourself that’s all that matters 

Let the rest blend into the mindless chatter

Lost Child

~ Everyday Awakenings ~ Leave a comment

I’m sorry I lost you along the way

Unknowingly I didn’t have the strength to stay

I stepped out when your head was down

Didn’t realize how tightly you’d be wound

A lost child is the saddest thing

There’s no visible spark or light beam

From the eyes, like nothing’s there

Too much for me to watch and bear

But what’s a lost child? Let us discuss

Ancient and ongoing for some of us?

What’s the lesson and when will it come?

I know I’m smart but I feel quite dumb

Can’t seem to find the love for self

Maybe it’s hidden along the shelf

Between the self help and psychology books

Perhaps I’ll take a closer look

At these false ideas of filling up

I can’t stand to peek inside my cup

It’s not even empty, like we say

Rather black and bottomless on most days

Will it ever stop? Will I find peace?

Or will I die in self defeat?

Just making it and surviving day to day

Can’t seem to control what my mind does say

I don’t see the end, maybe that’s alright

It’s more of a moment to moment fight

Some day ease will find its way

Maybe it’ll think this time to stay