Survival

Fellowship

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Even if God had said, “just you wait and you will see,” 

There’s still no freaking way that I would have ever believed 

That despite all of the pain, I’d find myself in this place 

With these beautiful people, in this wonderful space 

God says, “I had to bend you, but see, you didn’t break, 

All the things you thought you wanted, I simply had to take 

To give you all the things that I knew your spirit craved 

It’s your spirit that concerned me, it’s your spirit that I saved 

You see you have to grow, you have to spread your wings 

Although you may not realize it, I give you what you need 

But please do not forget, you have to do your part 

I’ll get your engine running but Dear you must cruise past Start 

There may be a few exceptions when your energy is low

I’ll kick things into gear when it’s clear you need a tow

I’ll give you all the signals and the signs that will say, 

‘Don’t travel down that road, please go the other way’ 

It may not be a short cut, it may be a windy path 

You may go through arid deserts before you see the plushy grass 

Please listen to your heart and keep your nervous system steady 

Because with every stretch of road I really need you to be ready 

To take a sharp turn here, to avoid the potholes there 

And when the weather’s bad you really have to steer with care 

And oh you’ll have some fellow travelers on your journey up ahead 

You may want to go alone but I made other plans instead 

You’ll get a few who help, who may even lighten your load 

You’ll get others struggling, with them you’ll be bestowed- 

The gift of being of service, of helping another out 

And although it may be hard at times, please don’t ever doubt 

The journey that you’re on and the lessons that you’ll learn 

It’s all so that your soul can grow, even when it burns 

I’m so proud of what you’ve done, so proud of where you are 

Take a look in the rear view mirror to see you’ve journeyed far”  

Dancing in the Rain

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The rain came today

it asked if it could stay 

Most would send it away

but I was curious what it would say 

“I came to wash away

and to let the children play” 

And much to my dismay

the rain would have its way 

It’s God’s divine creation

from the master command station 

Don’t fall for an abbreviation

He will notice your hesitation 

Don’t play with divination

it’s not in the presentation 

You’ll survive your indignation

pay attention to representation 

Thank you for saying what’s real

it makes it harder for others to steal 

The passion in your zeal 

it can make you seem surreal 

But that’s not all of the appeal 

you keep two eyes on your rear 

You shouldn’t have to watch for deer, 

though with time you’ve learned to steer 

Thank you for being you 

but work on the need to subdue 

There’s a lightness in your hue 

and some old stuff to un-do 

But if I really know you 

I know that you’ll get through 

There’s a strength in your truth 

It started there in your youth 

Overdrive

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We can see you running around 

And it’s clear to us that you can’t 

There’s this giant thing hovering over us 

Watching us like we’re ants 

Is it is him, is it her, or is it them 

Please tell me who pays attention 

And to whom do we give all the credit 

When we think of a brand new invention 

You see there are many parts 

Things both inside and out 

All things involved are affected 

Causing other things to come about 

So when your gear is in drive 

Please try to pay close attention 

Not just to the direction you’re going 

But also to the things that you mention 

JudgeMental

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What a world we live in, it can seem a bit behind its own times

It’s something I’d like to talk normie about but it comes out better in rhymes

Mental health and substance use disorders are a very real thing

But it’s easy for us to get really scared when we haven’t had to fight in that ring

This is why it’s so very important that we have all the right representation

So that when we find ourselves in that space we can be sure to use the proper equation

Because without the proper equation, how can we arrive at the answer

We may be missing some pieces to our puzzle that help turn depressed to dancer

Just because you don’t understand it, and maybe never been in those shoes

Doesn’t mean you can’t try a bit harder to stop judging other people’s moves

Abandonment Wound

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Please let me see your abandonment wound

How far does it go, way back to the womb

Have you been tossed around like a Raggedy Ann

And have you ever found the the full strength to stand

Or does it always feel like you fall short at the line

When you go to seek, do you struggle to find

The next step in life, like its path is blank

Finding it hard to tell the difference between Adam and Frank

It all goes back to the opinions on-hand

Everyone seems to have devised their own plan

To my life’s next steps, it seems to be a lot

I love these people, so why do I feel distraught

Can I release this nagging and constant noise

Can I give the existing darkness its voice

And if I do, what will it say

Will it ask me to go or to stay

Can I let them be, the dark and the light

Or will I fall farther into feelings of contrite

Will I dig into my depths for the secret answer

Will I remember that darkness can also be a dancer

The shadow in life, its a part of the walk

But make sure that you watch your mouth when you talk

Especially when people show up to help

Just ignore when their heavy hands leave welts

It’s not personal, it’s just that they can see your pain

And they want you to experience all of life’s gains

Not all will speak your language, and that’s okay

Just watch for the ones who are CONSISTENT and STAY

Ignore ALL of the ones who make fun of you

The ones who think trauma-triggering is cute

Don’t be apologetic when your insides are screaming

Be extra careful when you start to think of teaming-

Up with folks who have “your” best interest at heart

Who draw the line down and point with certainty at Start

Only you can know, but please keep yourself open

The Light creeps in right where you think you are broken

Say what you mean.

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Have you ever been in that very strange place

Where someone asks you to please run at their pace

Where you were told how to act and how to behave

Told how to eat your food and which ones not to crave

It’s such a weird space that we occupy here

Where machines are built [this] way and for [so many] years

Some won’t want you original, a threat to their norm

When you say “this is it,” it may stir up a storm

All over another’s idea of how I should speak my truth

Well, you must not’ve heard about the history of ab.use

You see, its roots are responsible for tendering this fire

Fueled by grit, strength, and a depth of desire

To prepare myself enough to guide the ones who come

Like, what if they show up asking me, “what can be done?” !!!!

Because my answers won’t come from that lost inner kid

Who just said what they were told and did what others did

It’ll come from this adult who carefully constructed a foundation

With God, the right tools, and people-filled love stations

The things that charge and guide me when my light starts to dim

When the path turns dark and the window of sight becomes slim

Because when those storms come, I want my house to be ready

I don’t want to flood with fear and then question if it’s steady

I want to stand on tended ground with a confidence within

That will hold firm when the storms come bringing the winds

When the forecast is changing and its predictions are grim

It’ll be the place that we find ourselves after life fills with Him

If there’s one thing that I know, He weathers those storms

He’s got this super duper, invisible, magical platform

That underlies all that we do if we just follow His ways

You’ll be able to see the light even when the skies appear grey

And it won’t be perfect, don’t forget, that’s already been covered

He gave His own life so that we don’t have to suffer !!!

Can you even believe it!?? It actually really does take quite a while

But you’ve made it through in your own, individual, and unique kind of style 😝

Raising LaBar

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Let me tell you some things about the ones who will and have raised you

They’re not always the ones who’ll constantly sit back and appraise you

They’ll notice when things aren’t quite feeling as if they’re all balanced out

They’ll pick up on your stirring feelings of confusion and doubt

And know that they may not always resc’you, that’s not evidence of true love

You can get that devotion from the Big Guy upstairs ‘n’ those above

Human love is sometimes soft, but it can also feel really hard

You’ll face challenges and ask yourself what you should keep or discard

But don’t forget that your God will never make any mistakes

He adds things to your life, but sometimes he takes

And taking may mean change, so don’t get so overwhelmed

Have Faith in the One who guides you and heads-up your helm

Some things have to die in order for new things to grow

Open your heart and your mind to the circus that’s God’s nature’s show

You can view it with gratitude, or let things pass you by

But your soul knows the way and how high it wants to fly

Your heart will tell you which ones to hold onto or release

But FYI, your Love’ll knock down walls until your body is deceased

Pre-serving the Status Quo

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Have you ever heard of a thing out there called keeping the status quo?

Making things appear to all those near that everything’s entire(ly) UNDER-control

Well I’ll tell you now, it’s a bag of dicks ‘n’ tricks, often of the worst kind

Just to stare at the turmoiled state of affairs while exclaiming! 🔥 oh, but I’m blind 😎

One may even consider sacrificing their integrity just to keep from “rocking the boat”

We may do anything it takes to keep everything nice, to keep things in-tact and afloat

We may have to ask, “please hold this wheel, or it might take a big-ass turn”

Driven by all of our fears and all the anxieties that started to swarm and churn

“Hold on tight. We might lose our balance, someone could fall over-board”

So most of the people began grabbing and clinging, a visceral, unique type of hoard

But did anyone pay any attention to the shy little girl that clearly seems to be

A quiet passenger on the boat, but that also appears lost at sea

She’s sitting on the edge, holding on tightly to the spotless and cold railing

She says to the others, weathered in covers, I’d rather have a boat that goes sailing

Because at least on that boat, it’s true to itself, and to the powers that BE

When Mother Nature takes hold, passengers get bold, and finally I experience “me”

Because she’s not just the girl that stands on the world to feel concrete under her feet

She’d rather set sail on an adventure that entails some experiences she defines neat

It may not be popular, it may not be pretty, but at least it won’t end in defeat

She’ll keep sailing along, singing her songs, focusing on her true needs

Little by Little

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This is how it happens, Dear, just little by little

Because God knows you truly, deeply and all the places you’re still brittle

But He also knows your strengths, so don’t think that He doesn’t care

When around a certain issue He flings you up into the air

Maybe that’s the test you’re given, to see if you can fly

Or if on your way tumbling down you simply wave at passers by

This is the price we pay for being one of His beloved

Some days we rise ‘n’ shine and other days we may feel rugged

But no matter what happens, I beg you, please do not forget

To take your sense of humor along, to bring your love and wit

‘Cause these subjects are really heavy, and not only just for you

Think about all the others – you know, your family and your crew

We’re all fighting our battles inside in one way or another

And isn’t it cool that to ease our load we can (at times) lean on each other

You’re becoming aware of just how much others have pulled some of your weight

Don’t over-criticize yourself quite yet, it’s had to do with your lowly state

You’ve come to learn there are 3 different ways that the enemy can creep-in

Generational curses, harm done to you, and your own individual sin

The best news about all of this is that everything is getting clearer

You’ve unloaded a lot, you’ve done the work, you can finally look in the mirror !

You’re getting close to having the strength to help OTHERS carry THEIR loads

And on occasion you’ll be given the chance to listen and forebode

Pay attention to all of the messages that you’ve been gifted to receive

Keep your focus on your goals and continue to build strength in what you believe

Who am I? / Who I am.

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I spent most of my life having faith in all of them

Most of them I considered trusted family or friends

Were their intentions good, did they have a firm grasp

Of the ideas they projected upon which I clasped

Or did I get confused when others tried to impress

Their ideas onto me if their minds were hard-set

Well now I’ve arrived at the part where I begin

I’ll no longer allow my head to fall or to spin

I can listen to their words but still make up my mind

About who I am, it’s not by them I’m defined

So as I keep going, I will do what I need

I’ll keep the ones close who’ll help me succeed

In understanding my Self, my morals and values

Please present your steady attention, shall you?

I believe that everything here happens for a reason

That people are there for a lifetime, a reason, or a season

That when we feel doubt, we need to amp up our faith

And remember that in His eyes we’re not a disgrace

There may be some heavy things that come up for air

They need lots of love, we can’t fall into despair

We trust that if we’re suffering we must’ve been gifted

With this task of healing, we’ve never really drifted

Far from the places that we must stand tall

Always ready for a serve, a spike, and a fall

For all of us here these paths have been chosen

And any pot in which we’re planted we must grow in

It could be weeks or years, maybe even decades

We can survive mental health, break-ups, and plagues

The trick is to believe that anything is possible

Yes we could focus instead on the probable

But life is guaranteed to throw you some curves

You’ll try to jump, to dodge and then swerve

But most of the big stuff, it was written in the stars

So no matter where you go be sure to stand for who You Are

Big Heave

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You were flung up real high and then taken down low

A serious breakthrough occurred, don’t you know

You felt it in your body, it shot up and down your spine

Intense shaking and sweating, you started to unwind

The energy was overwhelming, as it can often be

But when you came out of it found that you could clearly see

There was no more uneasiness, no more masking heavy doubt

You suddenly knew what you needed and couldn’t live without

What you’ve come to see is that it’s all part of the plan

God had to take you up and down to teach you how to stand

I know it can be very scary, you saw an awful lot of things

But please reflect on how much clarity those sights and images bring

There was a little baby, wrapped quietly on a table

In front of a window with a cross, the sight appeared quite stable

But what you didn’t know is what the image helps portray

A symbol of the One who knows you and who always stays

So even when you think you’re alone and that no one really cares

Remember the love of the One who made you never can compare

So pick your head up, open your eyes, and continue seeing clearly

There’s a ways to go in this life, so tread light and hold it dearly

Save Your Self

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No one can save you, you have to save your self

You have to fix your life, your perspectives, your health

If you don’t, unfortunately, neither can “they”

No matter who comes, who goes, or who stays

See this is adulthood… it can really be hard

You’ll wade through your karma, your past, its shards

You’ll blame other people, then look in the mirror

Your sight, if you work at it, will keep getting clearer

You’ll see them and they, she and then he

Then one day you’ll wake up and be shocked to see “me”

Now this is the part where you’ll want to give up

Because some of your decisions, when examined, they’re rough

You’ve been selfish and self-centered, you’ve blamed and shamed

You’ve labeled others’ demons, you’ve called them names

This started in childhood, when the chaos was rampant

You didn’t know when it was coming ‘cause you didn’t plan it

When the big people flailed, you had to learn to tell

Will this end in glory, or will I wind up in hell

Do I need to play it soft, sweet, and kind

Or do I need to “put up my dukes” and defend from a bind

But I’ll tell you something sweet, much sweeter than this

Life will give you good stuff you won’t want to miss

You’ll find love and friends, adopted sibs and parents

You’ll go on trips, tours…fulfill God-given errands

And yours are for you, so please don’t compare

We’re all of God’s children, special and rare

Stay present for your life, its gifts and struggles

When a fight comes up, show ‘em your knuckles

But when it gives you beauty, try to just rest

You can be totally relaxed and still be your best

As a matter of fact, God wants you to know

You’ve gotta take a break from lugging baggage in-tow

Thank you for deciding to try to be responsible

Just wait until you see what it can all make possible

Death Grip

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I’m sorry that I don’t know how to let go

It’s like the answers are in front of me, but I don’t want to know

It’s easier to pretend that something is when it isn’t

Wipe your eyes child, I thought you had 20/20 vision ?

….See, YOU(R) awareness is attached to YOU(R) experience…

And yes, about it, you tend to be very serious

But you have to remind yourself where YOU-ARE

And you can’t forget, others from afar

It takes consideration, and yes this is new

And you’ll have to work at lessening the amount you subdue

Your feelings and experiences, they’re all part of it

And we already know, “fine, [you’ll] face but not love it” 🙄

You see, life is all about walking the walk

If at any point, your mouth is going to open to talk

Don’t be about all of the smoke and mirrors

Step into your experiences and look a bit clearer

Every place you find yourself, that’s where you are

And you know your God, so don’t ever think you are far

From the intended location of your current presence

Think in symbols, and the the fear will start to lessen

Thank God for each day that you have on this earth

Even when it feels like you’re dying (often and) slowly by bursts 🔥

Change

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Have you ever really wanted to change

To expand and shift your previous range

Of understanding, emotions, and relationships-

You’ll blow-up your perception, it’ll explode into bits

To face a dilemma that’s never really shifted

Please return from the place to which you unknowingly drifted

Be ready to open your mind to the truth

At first you may feel subjected to what they call “fake news”

Because realities feel firm, it can seem we’re defined

By the present situation presenting in our minds

But the truth is, you really have the will to choose

You don’t have to walk around wearing that artificial noose

If you jump into your skin, you’ll ultimately find

You aren’t really the sum of the workings of your mind

At least not thus far, but it’s getting stronger

Your consciousness is waking up, it can’t sleep any longer

So tell your animalistic, wired-wrong amygdala

It no longer has to feel ruled by the Emperor, Caligula

You’ll see when you get there, as you usually do

But we appreciate you paying close attention to the clues

Keep your hopes high, and your courage ever-steady

Everything comes to you in perfect timing: when you’re ready

Evolution

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I wish you would please tell me, what ever is the trick

To figure out the messages and to make them stick

I’m not talking about the black stuff that my feet get stuck in

And not the place I put my head every time it starts to spin

Where’s the assurance of what really is the Truth

And where’s the confirmation that there’s really any use

To always being the one who’s trying to figure it all out

Everyone else just seems to want to scream and shout

But don’t we all deserve it, to get to stand in our Light

And to lower our fists when it comes to the knock-down drag-out fights

What if we maybe tried using some of our words

And what if that way we actually ended up being heard

By just being honest about what’s truly on our hearts

And trust me, I get it, that’s the hardest fucking part

Because if you’re anything like me, you’re not always very clear

About which thoughts and feelings to share as they appear

Is this one old? Is this one True? Or is it the same old lie?

My mind tends to make things up which leads to my demise

Life is funny, and I’m not sure it’ll ever really be solved

What seems to happen is that we just continue to evolve

Lost and Found

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Today I woke up and I had a kid to look after

I didn’t notice all the warning signs of starting a new chapter

The child seems lost, she’s quiet and meek

One could assume she was left out in the streets

To fend for herself and to try to find her way

She hasn’t had time for childish games or play

She grew up fast and learned how to survive

She has an expansive vocabulary but it lacks the word “thrive”

It’s very apparent that there’s some kind of guard

Around her Being and her heart, it seems incredibly hard

To get close, to share affection, love, and hope

There’s something very deep with which she never learned to cope

But this is her time, so I won’t try to interfere

I’ll stay ready and as close as she’ll let me be near

I won’t force her, I’ll let her feel her way through

This part of her life that seems terrifying and new

Where she can stop worrying about surviving in this place

She can try to relax, enjoy, and create her own space

I watch with wondering eyes at this incredible journey

I’ll keep my heart open but my mouth shut, despite the yearning

To see her break-out into this vast, expansive world

Instead of feeling like she has to stay shut in and curled-

Up in a ball, all alone and in the dark

But no one can force you until you’re ready to embark

On a journey to discover, who you truly are

Will you find out right here or will you travel very far

To the ends of the world, to feel and maybe see

You can become who you’ve always really wanted to be

By making a choice, in the here and now

It’s by choosing that you take an internal kind of vow

To stay awake for what’s here, what’s right in front of you

It’s all about learning, you don’t have to subdue

These feelings, this pain, it’s all part of the plan

Even if it feels like you’re sinking fast in quicksand

So I have hope for this child, that seems so sad and so lost

Someday she’ll realize that this was all just the cost

Of everything her Highest Self ever dreamed of

And that it was all orchestrated by those who love her Up Above

Be patient little angel, you will find your way

I’m absolutely sure of it, some how, some day

Family

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Here we go, time to take a huge leap of faith 

I’m crossing my fingers that I won’t be a disgrace 

To this path of healing that I willingly jumped on 

When suddenly in the dark I got a glimpse of the dawn 

Family of origin, we’ll be spending some time 

So fucking rare it inspired these rhymes 

It’s been over a decade, maybe even two 

Of being trapped in the memories of all the abuse 

In the younger years when it seemed like everyone was fighting 

Back when I still knew how to purge with my writing 

But we’re all growing up in our own little ways 

Maybe these are the new-found lighter kind of days 

Of laughter, joy, and everything else 

We don’t have to accept the hand we thought we’d been dealt 

It’s uncomfortable as hell but it’s cool to sit back and see

What we’re all going through and who we’re turning out to be 

If I had to guess, I’d say it’s probably similar to 

Childhood for us, which we all quickly outgrew 

So a regression of sorts to when our hearts were open 

I can see the healing in what felt irreparably broken 

The journey isn’t over, I think it goes on forever 

At least in this life, maybe an infinite endeavor 

But I chose them, and they chose me 

So we might as well work together to help each other see

The beauty of living with our hearts open wide

It ain’t easy but we can take it all in stride

We’ll hold hands, breathe deep, and take a leap together 

Because some of these souls I’ve chosen forever 

My soul people they are, so I suppose I’ll do 

Everything I can, I’ll keep following the clues 

From my guides, my God, and all of those willing 

To help us on this rocky path towards forgiving 

Ourselves and the ones we feel we’ve been harmed by 

It may not always look like it, but every day I try 

To give all the energy that I can muster up 

I must say some days it doesn’t feel like enough 

But along the way, I’ve learned how to be kind 

To myself and others, no more navigating blind 

Those days are over, time to face the light 

Even on the days when it seems too goddamn bright 

It’s okay to accept the love into our hearts 

It’s from somewhere that we all have to pick a place start 

Thank you for this process, it sure hasn’t been easy 

It’s turned me into all sorts of different kinds of cheesy 

Towards the people I meet as I continue to move on 

And as I learn to accept the darkness with the dawn 

Thank you for this life, it’s so beautiful and messy 

What a gift to receive all these magical blessings 

I’ll keep moving forward, one foot in front of the other 

In my world that no longer requires an armor to cover- 

Up who I am and who I really want to be 

Which is a choice, and I choose, I think I’d rather be free 

Tick tock. Tit tat. 

~ Everyday Awakenings ~ Leave a comment

I feel as if I’m floating in a womb

Before now, honestly, it felt like a tomb

And maybe it was, I can’t be sure

I think both are rebirth and equally as pure

I am ready to be born and done with all of that

Small thinking and the internal tit for tat

So much work, it seems all I do is grind

I wonder if I will ever really come to find

My purpose here in the work that I do

To my current state I feel stuck like glue

What am I waiting for and when will it come?

In the meantime maybe I’ll come undone

Perhaps that’s the purpose, a slow death of the old

Maybe you have to experience some kind of chokehold

Before you’ll give up and scream Uncle in this chapter

Right when it turns into an utter disaster

Because healing and change don’t always feel good

They challenge everything that’s under the hood

Of our Selves, our hearts, and all of our beliefs

Sometimes it takes years, other times it’s brief

What a strange feeling of death and birth

I can honestly say that it feels like a first

But I think it’s because I was focused on the end

The thought of new beginnings blew away with the wind

The darkness used to come and go much more quickly

But this year it turned into weeks and months of sick me

Maybe now it’s time that I get a small glimpse

Beyond the heavy muck and everything dense

I welcome the light when it’s ready to be

Something I deserve and am prepared to see

I get little sparks of hope, I find comfort in my people

I found I can pray on my knees without a steeple

It’s a constant thing that I try to do

Communicate with those who are willing to come through

With a message for me, from this plane or another

That give me signs of the things that are yet to be uncovered

Thank you for the gifts of my family’s healing

Sometimes it still feels like a dream and my mind’s reeling

I’m ready to be done with this old conditioned wiring

I need to break through and feel something inspiring

I can and I will, it’s a matter of time

For now I’ll keep giving the old clock a wind